Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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