Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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