Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize