he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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