I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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