I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i came on her dog
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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