He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
