Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize