textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
