Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
