Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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