foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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