Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
