Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
