Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
