Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
