Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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