my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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