why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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