Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
