you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
