life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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