Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
