My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
