Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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