i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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