he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize