you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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