turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
