happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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