theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The struggles of a small town man whore
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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