Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
