I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am one with the molecules
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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