Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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