I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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