so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
