He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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