the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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