turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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