I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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