I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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