kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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