can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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