I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
