don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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