I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
