Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
