I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
