someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
