im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
