Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
