i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
