the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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