Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
