Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize