I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
