Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
