and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
