If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
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