I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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