i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
