Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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