My liver just broke up with me...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
